June the Fifth. The end.

I have long thought about this moment, these feelings and these words. But I never know where to start. Now especially, I am numb. I am numbed by my own fighting. My own desire, my own hope. I cannot make any sense. But I do not fall into that generic category of mutually accepted ideals.

This year -- I became alright with that.

June the Seventh
Finality.

I wish more than anything that I could fill this with every single conclusion I have reached by way of a revelation. Of course, I cannot do that. I can only report on my current state and proceed to burn some shit to the ground.

So, I guess I'm going to do that.

I am at a standstill that the conclusion of this entry will mark the end of. I am an impermeable entity that has surrendered all feelings of nostalgia to these pages forever. I am in love. And I fight for that love daily. I have cast all classification away and embraced all philosophy and religion for their individual importances. But above all else, I am not yet free. I am stifled and oppressed. I'm just ready to go.

But before I can go I have to seal this shut. I have to say goodbye to that summer. I have to say goodbye to the summer before it. I have to take all of it and understand that it was never where I belonged. I have to wake up and "tomorrow, we start new."

There is only one anomaly I can address. There aren't any more these feelings belong to.

There is only one that holds me back.

Only one that this season unrightfully belongs to.

Only one in which is everything.

Joshua Dylan Carroll,

Quite simply you are the foundation of everything beautiful within me. You showed me so much while I did so little. You brought me life and joy. You started a revolution within my heart of hearts.

You taught me of love and the fight it endures. You showed me light in things society deems are not right. You helped me enough to give me the power to transcend you now.

Do you remember the way the light used to filter into your house that summer?

Do you remember the days we danced?

Dear child, you have broken me and I must go now. I have words for you but they dwell in my dreams.

At the fear of them forever remaining I am writing this to you now. I am not certain of whether you will ever read this.

But I know that I want to burn you.

So here it is; here is the fire.

You left me, Dylan Carroll, to suffer a winter as dark as the leather jacket you wore that night. You stabbed at me vaguely as I backed away from you and said, "Fuck you. I hate you."

The eyes with which you looked at mine killed me. They killed my prospects and they killed Anabelle. You gave me this thing inside of my ribs that I can only call God . . . or Anabelle. She is who I find and she is who I am. She shapeshifts and gives me purpose.

You sent me to put pills in my body and created a fury of worthlessness. You tickled my heart and I had nightmares of you. You gave me less as you told me more. Frankly, you abandoned me and tried to deem it otherwise.

Do you remember whos' hand you held when you jumped off that dock?

Do you remember the day you learned to swim?

Do you remember The Cafe and Minutes and Trapezoid?

You helped me chase the streets with you but now I have found my own. I must bring myself to take SS Cambridge and these goddamn brakelights to your forehead and knock you out forever.

Dylan, you broke me. You brought me to the stars and then you broke me. This journal starts with you and tonight it ends with you.

I can believe I ever loved you because you are so beautiful. You radiate and you will go so far.

You are my favorite bastard because I know why you did this.

I want you to have peace and a colorful heart. I hope that wherever your own two feet take you can facilitate you luminosity. Do not sell yourself short by staying here.

Please Dylan, go forth into the infinite abyss and always know that you changed my fucking world.

I will make all the right reasons to fuck it up.

Goodbye, Space Cadet.
Goodbye, Leon.

It will not ever be as much as I do.